A Weekend of Reflection...

This past weekend, I was very fortunate to have a 4-day weekend. I was off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, & Monday. The strange thing is that I only requested Sunday off to go to Jonesboro to see my aunt & my grandmother. And yet, my boss was nice enough to extend it for me. How cool was that?

So, this past Friday, I went to a "singles" function with the singles group at 1st Assembly of God in Hot Springs. A friend of mine goes there, & she was nice enough to invite me. There were about 10 of us that showed up, & we decided to go bowling. We went to Fiesta Lanes in HS Village, & I embarrassed everyone there - we bowled 2 games, & my first game was a 223. It was the best game I had bowled since 1999. My second was OK, but not as good as the first one - my second game was a 166. We then decided to go to O'Briens for some really good pizza & an even better chat. The ones that were left at 2 a.m. went to I-Hop for some coffee. It was a real fun night that ended on a bad note - when we went back to the church, all the cars on the parking lot (there were 5) had gotten shoe-polished. Since I had just bought my new car, I was not amused. Fortunately, the stuff came off easily. I told my aunt about this, & she told me to lighten up! Can you believe that? I'm sorry - that is one of my pet peeves. And, correct me if I am wrong, but in America, don't we call that "vandalism"? And, correct me once again if I am wrong, but isn't vandalism still illegal?? Just checking.

Anyway, on Saturday, I took the Liberty for the first real road trip - about a three-and-a-half drive from HS to Jonesboro. I got to Jonesboro about 8 in the evening, & drove around for a little while. I spent the night with my aunt & my grandmother, & we woke up & went to church Sunday morning. We went to Colton's after church, & I drove by the church that my ex-wife & I used to go to. My in-laws' cars were there. I felt a real sinking feeling. Anyway, I told my aunt & my grandmother that, on one Sunday, we should walk in my old church & see my in-laws. Just go in and sit down & enjoy the sermon. I know, for a fact, that this would piss my in-laws off, as well as anyone else who is close to them. If that happens, then we have achieved our goals! My aunt & my grandmother LOVED this idea. As soon as the divorce is final, on one Sunday morning, this will become a reality. My aunt has also told me to call her on the day the divorce is final. I asked why, & she told me that she will give my ex's parents a little piece of her mind. A few months ago, they spread rumors about me being an alcoholic (which is definitely not true), and the rumors got back to my aunt. She is very pissed off, understandably so. So, to the parents of my soon-to-be-ex, I have one word of advice when you see my aunt: RUN.

As soon as I left my aunt's house, I drove around Jonesboro for a little while before leaving town. There are so many memories connected with that town. I drove by certain places that hold deep meanings for me. I drove by my in-laws' house, but I didn't stop. I drove by places that I lived in - that terrible trailer, the townhouse where my ex and I had so many wonderful memories (and where I confessed my love for my ex), the first house that we bought together, the second house that we bought together, all the places we ate at (Perkins, Dixie Cafe, the China Garden, just to name a few), and so on. I remember those places and the times we spent & the activities that we had done. I had remembered them with fondness. And then I remembered all the sh*t that my ex has put me through over the last 14 months. It made all the fond memories seem cheap and worthless. It is really sad.

I did cheer myself up somewhat by going to Hastings & buying some used CDs. Here is what I got:

1. Queensryche: "Empire" (remastered)

Yeah, I know, hair band, but these guys rocked back in the late 80s/early 90s. "Jet City Woman" is a cool song, in my opinion.

2. Tom Waits: "Bone Machine"

Yeah, I know, no voice is better than Waits' voice, but he wrote some killer songs. "Earth Died Screaming", with special guest Les Claypool (Primus), is one of Waits' best songs.

3. Richard Thompson: "You? Me? Us?"

This was a really good find, since this is now out-of-print. As far as I'm concerned, I rank Thompson with Dylan, Neil Young, & Van Morrison as the best singer/songwriters of all time. This may not be his best one (that vote goes to 1982's "Shoot Out the Lights" & 1999's "Mock Tudor"), but it is still pretty damn good.

4. Gordon Lightfoot: "Gord's Gold, Vol. 2"

Worth owning if only for "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", one of the best story-songs ever written.

5. Tim Buckley: "The Dream Belongs to Me: Rare & Unreleased 1968/1973"

I am a Buckley fan - Tim and Jeff. Great songwriters & performers who left us way too soon. And say what you will - Jeff Buckley's "Grace" is in my top 5 list as far as best CDs released in the 1990s. Take it or leave it...


I slept in on Monday. Paid my cable bill & went to Rockie's Corner for Monday Night Football. Great game, even though the Vikings beat the Packers on a last-second field goal, 20-17. Ate way too much pizza, drank way too much beer, but I had a hell of a time with some good friends, despite the Packers losing. Anyway, we are looking forward to next Monday night - the undefeated Colts vs. the Steelers. I am making a prediction: the Colts will not be undefeated after next Monday night. The Steelers will beat the Colts. The Colts will look at this loss as a wake-up call, & will dominate in the playoffs. Only time will tell, to quote John Wetton.

All in all, a good weekend, & a message to me that I do have issues that I have to deal with, thanks to my ex-wife. First and foremost is trust. Will I be able to trust another woman again? Only time will tell... Will I be able to open myself up to another woman again? Only time will tell... Will I be able to fall in love with another woman again? Only time will tell... One thing I do know is that, as I said in my profile, not all women are like my ex-wife. I know that there is someone who thinks the world of me & that could fall for me. But at one time, my ex-wife did. And when the one person you want to be with the rest of your life betrays you, what is left? I did learn something from my ex-wife, though. She always spoke of walls she built around herself. I had no idea what she was talking about back then. I do now. It's just another issue I have to deal with - who is capable of tearing down these walls I have built around me? I have certain friends that I don't need walls for - Talmadge & Seraphim are very dear to my heart. But everyone else... good luck.

Is it worth still dealing with this? I still have nightmares, at least once a week, about my ex. I thought that my life would be more peaceful, more calm. I think that I am getting a rude wake-up call. I know that time heals all wounds, but a lot of time will be invested in this. I have never been a person I want someone to pity - I am just expressing a feeling. I never want anyone to feel sorry for me - I am just expressing a feeling. But what I have been through, and still going through - this is just wrong. No one - and I mean no one - should ever go through this. So, if you are, remember - you have a kindred spirit in Hot Springs.

Until next time, my bloggers, take care.

Bolivar "Actually, time wounds all heels" Shagnasty