Will It Ever End??

Who knows? I am convinced of something - here goes:

"Born under a bad sign / I've been down since I began to crawl / if it wasn't for bad luck / I wouldn't have no luck at all..."

(apologies to William Bell, Booker T. Jones, and, of course, Cream)

I FINALLY contacted my lawyer today. I actually asked her if I would get my Christmas present this year: a finalized divorce. She told me not likely. Great - just what I needed - let's drag this on further, why don't we. Seems like there are a couple of glitches in the paperwork. Not to mention that my ex needs to fill out a "Quit Claim" deed. So I called my ex & let her know that we need these things taken care of ASAP.

I called her cell phone at about 6:30 this evening & asked if she had gotten in contact with her lawyer. She said that they were out. Something about the secretary was sick. Ask me if I care. I told her that if the deed was not done & personally sent to my lawyer on Monday, then on Tuesday I will call Arkansas BCBS & file insurance fraud charges against her. She asked me what in the hell was I talking about. I told her. I am shocked that her lawyer didn't tell her that this could actually happen. She tried to backpedal her way out of it. I told her that it's too late. It's real simple - give me what I want, & I will not file insurance fraud charges against her. My patience has run out (gee, after 15 months... what do you think?). I am tired of playing her game.

I may also search for a new lawyer. I paid all this money, and for what? This marriage should have been dissolved, oh, probably March or April of this year. And now, I am looking at still being married to this heartless, two-faced, backstabbing ______ (fill in whatever word you want) into 2006. What in the HELL is going on? I want some friggin' answers!

That being said, while I was on the phone to my ex, I felt my blood pressure rising. My co-workers saw it after I got off the phone. My face had turned so beet red. I felt it in my entire body. My family has a history of high blood pressure. I wonder if I am being affected now. I do know that this is the last thing I need.

I do feel a little better now. My Christmas tree lights are on. I have apple cinnamon candles burning all over the house. I have Clannad blaring from the stereo. I am in the zone, baby!

This is just a tough time for me now. Things are so much different this year during this time. At least, in 2004, I still had who I thought was my son, who spent the night with me every other night. I took him to his first Christmas parade. The temperatures were dropping, & yet he & I snuggled together with our coats & mittens & scarves on. I watched in amazement as he was amazed himself with the firetrucks & the marching bands. All the cool floats passing by, & of course, Santa Claus. I watched my son point at all these things with wonder & amazement. Needless to say, when we got to the car & I strapped him in, I turned on the engine, cranked up the heater, & he was out cold in seconds! That was one of so many nights with the boy that I will never forget. It hurts me to know that he will suffer the most from what his mother has done. I look for him to seek me out. I hope he does. I would welcome him with open arms, even though I know I will have to answer for what I had to do: let him go... I just hope that he will understand what choices I had in this matter. I felt it was the best for everyone, even though it wasn't best for me. I hope he knows that, even though I had to let him go, I loved him so much. He was my boy, after all. He was my son. And the paternity results that came in on March 4 changed that. I will always love him, no matter what happens between myself and his mother. I hope he knows that.

And now here we come - Christmas 2005. No family members surrounding me. This house feels totally empty. I have no idea what the future holds. I know that this house will have only myself in it come Dec. 25. My family is all scattered out with their own lives that they lead. This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. I find myself trying to rush to 2006 and skipping Christmas altogether. I might as well be working, but we are closed on 12/25. So, I told my boss that I would close on Christmas Eve & open early the day after Christmas. It's just as well...

We make jokes about this time of the year & all the crazy Christmas songs that go non-stop from the day after Thanksgiving up to Christmas Day, but I had always enjoyed this time of year. It is supposed to be a time for family & for fellowship. A time for blowing the diets & letting it all hang out. A time for kids to marvel at their new toys. A time for grown men to eat too much & then pass out on their chairs.

It's really hard to work up any enthusiasm for the holiday season this year. But I'm trying. Just bear with me.

To my family - I love you all very much. I know that you all have plans with your loved ones this season, & I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

To my co-workers - your efforts & your thoughts & weird senses of humor are some things I treasure very much. Even though we clash from time to time, I am more than honored to have all of you on my and my boss' team.

To my closest friends - and especially Talmadge, Seraphim, & Nettiemac - you all keep me up and going when I would just as soon quit and give up. Your friendship means so much to me - I couldn't put a monetary value on how much you all mean to me. I just want you to know that I love you all, and to the three people mentioned above - expect a visit from me sometime in 2006. Get with me & let me know when a good time is to visit you all. I can't wait.

I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Christmas.

Bolivar "just a little patience..." Shagnasty