For Your Viewing (Dis)pleasure...

Here it is, another Friday evening, at home. I am closing in on almost 16 months being separated from my wife with no end in sight. I spoke with her last Saturday evening at around midnight. I was shocked that she returned my call. I got a statement of benefits from Aetna Insurance, where I have dental insurance from. I tell you what - let's start from the beginning...

During the Christmas holidays, I got a call from the dentist about my ex's upcoming dental appointment. I spoke to the ex about the appointment, & she told me she knew nothing about it. So, last Saturday, when Aetna's statement came in, it stated that on 1/2, the ex gets her teeth cleaned & has a couple of x-rays taken. On 1/9 she gets two wisdom teeth pulled & has two cavities filled. I was furious. I called the ex, & she told me to give her the bill when it comes in & she'll take care of it. I said damn right you will! But that's not the point! She continues to use my insurance, knowing that I can not take her or the kids off of it until the divorce is final. I told her to quit mooching off of me and quit mooching off of my insurance!

Is it any wonder that I have trust issues with any person that I come in contact with?

Anyway, I faxed a copy of the property description to my ex's lawyer. Hopefully we can get this show on the road. After 16 months... it's about time.

I worked every day this week, & I got off work at around 10:30 this evening & went home (I had no plans - no woman in their right mind would want to be seen with me!). I turned on the TV to the WB, & watched a two-hour program called "Confessions Live!". This was hilarious - freaks calling in to this show & spilling their guts in more ways than one. I heard confessions about sleeping with the sister's fiance, confessions about sleeping with the girlfriend's mother, and so on. The host is a real smart-ass, but I like him because he is straight up & to the point. Hot models occasionally co-host the show. It's good for a laugh.

Ditto for "Blind Date". Desperate people in desperate times. It made me think about the few blind dates that I went on. They were actually pretty fun, but I have gone out on a few blind dates when I was single many years ago that left a lasting impression on me - namely, to RUN LIKE HELL!! I never thought that I would say this, but the greatest blind date I ever went on was with a girl named Dana. It was in 1991. I was 23, Dana was 20. I was a junior at Arkansas State University, she was a sophomore at UCA. Both of us were mathematics majors. Dana was very insecure about her looks & her weight. Of all people in the world to fix us up - my sister! The first time I saw Dana in Conway, I thought she was drop dead gorgeous!! We went out & had so much fun. It started a 6-month relationship where we would see each other every other weekend. However, since it is three hours from Jonesboro to Conway, and since both of us had jobs along with our studies, it became more difficult to maintain the relationship. It was a mutual split. I spoke to her last when I started seeing the young lady that I would eventually marry (and now am in a very bitter divorce battle with), & we haven't spoken to each other since. No matter where my travels take me, I will always have very fond memories of Dana. I hope she can say the same about me.

Up to this point, it was an OK if uneventful evening. The next show that came on was a show called "Cheaters". Right from the get-go, I figured my evening would crash after watching this show. As you can tell from the title, it was a reality show about people cheating on their significant others. I felt a very uncomfortable feeling throughout the show. I almost felt as if I was on that show. Strange as it may seem, I couldn't turn away from the show, but I felt a numbing feeling inside while that show was on.

I wondered what would happen if I had used the "Cheaters" angle to confront my ex. I still think she wouldn't have spoken. She would have just walked away, leaving me to wonder what I did wrong.

That has been the big thing for me - sure, it has been well-documented WHAT she has done. But a lot of us would like to find out WHY she did it. She has shown no remorse, and she has no regrets for her actions. Was I really this bad? I thought I was doing everything possible to be the best husband & father that I could. What was I doing wrong? I know that I have friends telling me that it wasn't my fault & that I am better off without her, but really, am I? The man she has hooked up with works in a factory, & that's all he knows how to do. The fact that they have kept their affair a secret from me since 2002 - I never realized that any one person could be so cold & so cruel. But nevertheless, they have a family between them, and I am flying solo.

I can't help but think of all the dreams we had between me and my ex. We had dreams & aspirations for the future. I always thought that we would have each other. All the plans that we had made, just the two of us. We went to the Bahamas for our 5-year anniversary, & we had intended on going on a cruise for our 10-year anniversary. Yeah, right, like that will ever happen now. But back then, if nothing else, we shared the love of travel & the love of audio/video equipment, according to my ex.

I thought that things would get better once everything settled down. Those dreams I had are now turning into nightmares. I swear, I have at least one nightmare a week about my ex. What gives? And when will this ever end?

And what will happen once I get back on the dating scene? I had always said that I had enjoyed myself when I was single, but God I hope I never have to go through that again. Well, guess what... Anyway, how much has things changed since 1993? I had always tried to be a perfect gentleman while on a date - opening the car door for my date, taking her coat off, pulling her chair out in a nice restaurant, giving her flowers, giving her a back massage, a shoulder massage, a foot massage... do those rules apply anymore? And what really does a lady look for in a guy that she is interested in? Money, security, stability, a nice car... just what do they look for? And with me just a few months away from turning 38, how slim are my chances? Would I be better off just to hang it up & tell myself that I had my chance & totally blew it?

Anyway, nothing on TV after that, so I turned on my stereo & played one of my favorite albums of all time: Talking Heads' "Remain in Light". I had two of my favorite things for supper - hot dogs & cold beer. I have mellowed out a little.

Oh, one final note - I saw my father-in-law the day after Christmas. My grandmother & I went to Couch's BBQ in Jonesboro (the greatest BBQ, I should add) for breakfast, & I saw my father-in-law sitting with someone talking. I didn't say a word to him, he didn't say a word to me, & I think that we were all better off. I am just thankful that my aunt wasn't there - I know she would have had a few choice words.

That's all, folks - see you on the flip side. "Bolivar's Blog" is brought to you every chance possible by Stiggy Theater. See a movie a Stiggy Theater - you'll be glad you did, I think.

Bolivar